Random Thoughts

So, latley I have been totally wrapped up in this new craze!  The Twilight craze.  I have listened to all four books in audio and now, I am reading them again in print.  I find it to be a different experience. 

Ever since this new obsession of mine started, I have been having difficulty with my relashonship.  I have been with my husband for 10 years, and I never thought I would start to feel like this.  Although everyone around me couldn't understand our relashonship.  

Now, in order to understand, you would need to know my husband.  Don't get me wrong I love him very much, and I think he is a good person.  But, he is not good with emotions, or anything romantic. 

I have been telling myself for the past 10 years that, certain things didn't matter, and as I started reading this beautiful love story, I realize that I feel cheated.

Here is a story about a beautiful immortal, professing his love to a plain and average human girl..  Now, it's not just that he professes his love, but it's the way he feels, and the words, and the emotions behind it.

The way he touches her, the way he looks at her, and the unconditional love between them.  It's enough to drive me insane with jealousy. 

In 10 years I don't think my husband has said he loves me more than 7 times.  He doesn't touch me the way he should, and he doesn't kiss me the way I need to be kissed, the way I crave to be kissed.  

So, now I find myself in an internal struggle.  I have all these emotions surfacing after 10 years, of supressing them, and saying it didn't matter, but in reality it does.  I need certain things, and to feel certain things.  I need to feel beautiful, I need to feel desired, I need to hear that I am loved, as well as feel it.  I need to feel someones soft lips on mine, tasting and taking in my scents as I theres.

What do I do?  Do I keep living and cheating myself out of things that I need, or deserve?  When the person I want them from, doesn't want to change, or care about certain needs that I have?

To stay, or to leave?  That is my question for today.  My internal war battles on!

Posted on Sep. 18th, 2008 at 07:05 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

I go through my life everyday worrying, hoping, and praying that I get it right.   That the next decision I make won't upset the delicate balance that is my world, and my life.  For I have one very important person relying on me to know what to do, and what is right to do.  Yet, here I sit, and I have no idea.  I have no idea what the right course is, or how to get there.  I have no idea how I am going to shape this perfect creature, and steer him on the right path, when I have taken so many wrong turns.  Where do I begin?  Where do I go for answers?
These are the thoughts that I have come to know as my constant companions.  This is what I spend my day thinking about, no matter where or what I am doing.
Now, I have many people in my life that I love and adore, but there is one in particular that is perplexing me beyond my grasp of understanding.  I consider myself a somewhat intelligent person.  I may not be book smart like my husband, but I do understand a lot more than people would think.  I am for the most part a very common sense person, or at least I hope I am.
When you sit there with a college education, and every single resource you could imagine, why?  Why is your day consumed with thoughts that are so not realistic?  Why, do you find it necessary to agnoize weather your going to go return a stupid camera.  Why are comments like "Well he spent so much on Myles, why should it matter"  or why are there others that are just so hurtful, and non sensical?  You claim to be this great humanitarian, and you are so giving and kind to others, but the ones that are truly near and dear, you dismiss.
You have opportunities that I will never have, and you sit and cry yourself to sleep, because you can't decide where in the world you want to live, or that your so unhappy living here because you have to deal with your past, that frankly isn't that horrible.  You are healthy and have always been, you had parents that loved you, and that gave you everything you wanted,  "Daddy didn't buy me the one I wanted"  "I am so deprived from his attention"  GROW UP!!!!!  YOU STUPID CHILD!!!!!!!  YOU ARE SPOILED!  YOU ARE SELFISH!!  You sit there and preach that all these people in the world are so less fortunate than us,  then act what you preach!!!!!!  Otherwise "Shut the F**** up!!!!!!!"
I sit and wonder how I am going to make it on my own with a child, and a husband with limitations.  Although he may be very capable, the world will never see him the way I do.  His darkness is all they can see, and me, I am a mother who struggles everyday to do the right thing, and to provide what I can, and no I can't complain to much, I am happy, I am loved and I have this amazing child who just with one smile, can make everything o.k. and a husband with one touch, make me feel as though nothing else matters.  I am fortunate enough to have parents that love me, and although crazy at times, are always there helping me.  To both of you I am greatful.
But all you silly silly people with your petty issues, please save it for someone as simple minded as yourself, because those of us, who really have things they need to worry about, and who have constant bumps in the road, we really don't want to hear that you can't decide weather you want to live in SanFransisco or New Zealand.  To us, thats not really an important enough question to cry ourselves to sleep over.

Thanks for reading my rant!

Have you ever just had one of those days where you can't seem to stay in one mood?  Your happy one minute, pissed and agitated the next?

Well, at the moment I am feeling guilty for snapping at the two most important people in my life, my husband and son.  It's not there fault that I am sick, and that no one can seem to figure out whats wrong w/me.

My darling son, keeps saying "let me see your heart, I will fix it mommy, don't worry"  and the next moment I am snapping at him for being two and getting into things he shouldn't.  All my son wants is my attention and love, and I am snapping at him, because I feel like i have no control over anything!!!!!!!!!! 

Then on my other side is my husband who doesn't believe in seeking medical attention, that I should just use my own mind and power to fix whatever is there, which drives me up a wall, but at least he is trying to help.  And he is stuck in the house, not able to go anywhere, or do anything, and here I am sitting and bitching about not being able to control anything around me! Boy do I feel like a total and utter shit!!!!! 

I have this wonderful husband, who does his very best to show that he loves me,  and tries to help me in the best way he knows how, even though he has no control over most things in his life, he has to rely on me for a lot of it, and I am giving him shit!

WOW!  I am such an ass!!!!  If these flipping doctors would just figure this out already, maybe we can start to get back to normal!  I miss that,  for the longest time I was healthy, and life was going the way it was supposed to, we were happy, I am working, Myles is doing great and the BAMM!!!!!  All i want to say is WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! 

I feel so angry, depressed, scared, and just numb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I can't express that out loud to the people who care about me the most, because I don't want to burden them!!!!!  I don't want anything to be wrong, I don't want to have to think about leaving my husband and son!!!!  Who is going to take care of them like i do?  I love them soo much, and the thought of not being here to watch Myles grow up, and not be here to enjoy every moment with them, is making me sooooo angry that I can't contain it!!! 

I dont' have the luxury of breaking down and sitting here and crying, I have a little on who knows something is wrong w/ mommy, and I need to be strong for him.  Sometimes I am tired of being strong, and then I am tired from being tired!  Go figure!!!!!!

Like I said, it's one of those days!!!!!!

Well, whoever said that fish weren't resilient?  I have a title for a new movie.  Petting Nemo, instead of finding Nemo.
My darling monkey who is so in love with animals, animals of all sorts mind you.  Decided that his fish Nemo, which he got when he turned 1.  So, by the calender this fish is 25 months old.  Pretty long life for a fish of a toddler.  :) He decided that since Alley, and Niaobe (our cats) and Price (our dog) got lots of pets and love, that Nemo was feeling a bit left out.  But, he knew he wasn't supposed to play in his fish tank, so he convinently waited till daddy went to sleep to give nemo some much needed love in his opinon..  But, not only is the monkey a good climber, but he is smart and knows how to manipulate furniture to his advantage.  He decided that it would be easier to access Nemo, and give him that much needed love and attention, if he put his ottoman to his rocking chair in front of his dresser, and then he thought, "hmm, still can't reach"  "Ah, lets open this drawer and stand in it, and see how tall I am now"  So, thats what he did, he opened the second to the highest drawer and stood in there, and voula!  Nemo is within his reach.  Jorge woke up to a lot of splashing noises, and started to get a little worried.  He goes to the point of the splashing and finds Myles High up on his dresser, and his hands submurged in his fish tank, playing a splashing game with Nemo!  Well, Myles found this all funny, and nothing wrong what so ever.  Jorge quickly washed him up and gave him a nice clean shower.  That was the end of Nemos

O.k, so my little monkey has decided all on his own, that he wants to use the potty!  We went to dinner last night with my mother, and Myles was wanting to get out of his high chair, and I told him not till we were done eating, and then he started telling me that he needed to go "peepee, and poopy" So, I wasn't sure I thought it might have just been an excuse to get out of his high chair, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and took him.  He went both in the bathroom at Bakers Square!  No, real potty training at all, just decided he wanted to go.  And since after daycare, all he wants is the big pottty, and he went four times!  So, we have officially begun potty training.  He gets his big boy underwear tomorrow!  Wow, I am amazed and nervous and excited all at the same time!!!!

Anyone have any advice?

Jen

Good Afternoon!

Yesterday I had one of those days that was absolutly perfect!  I actually got to go out in the morning and have breakfast with a new friend, which was great.  Came home to my husband who was being super nice, and we had a lovely afternoon together.  We went to pick up the monkey at 4:30, and he was in the greatest mood, being cute and funny, and just a joy.  He helped me at the grocery store, and was very good about walking to the car with us.  He was so hot and sweaty from playing outside at school that we gave him a bath the minute we walked into the house and he didn't put up a fuss when we tried to wash his hair.  The rest of the night went just as smooth.  If only everyday could be like this :)

We had our first night of no in the middle of the night feedings, and it went a lot better than I had expected.  Too bad that perfect day couldn't have lasted till today too.  But, at least I had one perfect day, my child was perfect, my husband was perfect.  I savor those days, since they are to few and far between.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and night!